How to make yourself seem more important than you are

For those on the bottom rungs of society’s ladder, there has long been an obsession with status and class that has resulted in a population of thin-skinned, resentful beings who have very little self-esteem and are hypersensitive to criticism and losing face. The better off classes have often taken advantage of such cretins in order to keep the population at whole in check, and they do this by putting them in uniform, often with a shiny badge and a stick to beat people with.

All that is required to be allowed to dress up in a uniform and immediately feel superior to your fellow peasants is to agree to follow your masters’ orders without question and to be in good overall physical health. Unfortunately, many of those at the bottom find themselves ineligible. The tolls of life in the gutter mean that their bodies are not up to it. Their dishonest ways have landed them in trouble with the authorities before and now they are considered untrustworthy. However, these people being the devious devils that they are, quite often pop down to the local fancy dress store and get themselves a uniform anyway. Then they wear it everywhere they go and bask in the automatic reverence people start to show them. They even make up stories to impress people about how many times they’ve been decorated, how many lives they’ve saved and all the bad guys they’ve taken out.

In many jurisdictions, pretending to be allowed to wear a nice uniform, when in fact you’re most certainly not allowed to wear it, is illegal, and understandably so. It would be very confusing if suddenly the whole population was in uniform, with nobody knowing who to show respect to and who to start beating up. But the fact that it’s illegal shouldn’t really put anyone off – the law is there to keep them down, not to help the climb up a rung. What might put them off is getting caught out by someone who is really allowed to wear the uniform and who notices that the patches and medals are all messed up and that they’re wearing sandals. “Stolen valor!” is the cry, and before the big pretender can say “55th Light Airborne, General Corporal Ranger Marine Unit, 1st Class”, there’s a big crowd surrounding them, all feeling thankful that they left their fake uniforms at home on that day.

If you really want to seem like some kind of big shot, why bother putting on a uniform anyway? The real big shots in the world don’t wear uniforms. They tell people in uniforms what to do. That doesn’t mean government, either. It means the people who tell the government what to do. Moneyed people.

To look like you have money you need business cards, a suit, someone to drive you around and answer your calls and an office. For the business cards, don’t worry too much about getting involved in the sniffing of cards like Patrick Bateman – just get some expensive looking ones, nobody really has the knowledge or class to know what Pale Nimbus or Silian Grail represent.

Your suit however, should look as expensive as you can afford and it should come from a top tailor. As the old saying goes, ‘you have to spend money to make money’, you should consider getting a second mortgage to pay for it. Bankers spend all of their time assessing and competing with each other’s clothes and so don’t expect to be able to fool anyone who has seen money with something straight off of a hanger.

As for your chauffeur and secretary, you might have to get a couple of trusted friends in on the plot. Perhaps you could return the favor for them on alternate days.

Your office doesn’t need to be anything flash as long as you let people know that you’ve just hired it at the last minute and your real offices are just too far away at fancy addresses like London’s Mayfair and New York’s Midtown. Get yourself a decent table and some nice chairs online at Office Chairs Only. Be sure to talk down to people, forget your manners and make them feel as if they are wasting your time. Then you will really seem more important than you are.